‘the struggle within’ & ‘YOU’

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“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. It is not just in some of us, it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.  As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others” – Timo Cruz (Coach Carter, 1:46:19 Sec)

When you are left with nothing, all you do is speculate, I became master of speculation, speculating into the darkest, blackest place possible. My dedication was questioned. I asked her to reconsider and she wasn’t really interested, I got really emotional I even started bawling and asked her what are we doing? Is this how it’s going to end? And after she left I started to look at myself and turn my eyes inwards, why did she leave? What part was mine in she leaving? In the end, it’s all fair in love and war. Fair as it may not sound and reflect to most of us, it sure is fair for her. 🙂

I lay awake, dazed, angry and confused from the thought of what might have been my future which I plan so perfectly now shred like a paper about to be burnt away, an ash to remind me of the pain of believing it so much. Realizing how nothing was real, but only pain.  For once I thought, that love was so strong, so rigid, none but God could break it, and that was my mere thought. Now broken by her, who made those unbreakable promises. There are no ways I feel this could have happened to me, I was pinning that tag on everyone else and never once imagine it could happen to me. It is like we all know we are going to die but never believing it could happen to oneself. What a belief!

Sometimes I think I would drain away this sorrow with a sip of vodka or just a little booze I could get so easily from a friend. What good will it bring? What if it’s no use? After the kick wore off, what if I will slip back in the old pattern of loneliness with the booze in my blood and turn itself into a demon so fearful, another mode of addiction. Then I will be slave of not one but two.

This life train of mine never slowed down long enough for me to take stock of the mental health of myself like this, it was never considered, and that to hold on for dear life as this train was going out of control to squash myself into annihilation on its way. Patience is not one of my stronger qualities, but it’s been exercise a lot in the last year, so, I’m somewhat better I think, I can live with it.  🙂 But sure, it helps me move on to a place where I have never imagined, a place where my mind finds peace, tranquility and peace. The one time in my life when I feel who I really am.

That was the closest I’ve been to facing death and I hope that never happens to me again. Lived through it I can now say this with a bit more certainty that broken relationship was useful but purely an intellectual concept. No one wants it, even people who want to live happily ever after get this, so I summarized it as some sort of destination we all share. No one has literally ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because it is likely the single best invention of life. Its life change agent, it clears out to make way for the new, right now the new is you and I would not allow you to be old and cleared away for the new new. Sorry if it sounds dramatic but you will always be my newer new 😉

When everything else around me crumble and faded to black, you have shown your light to me, breaking away my chains, you raised me from death, giving me new hopes and dreams so terribly robust I dare not to fulfill them. You are my secret, my endless desire, my love, I hope and I will forever be… (you know what I mean..) 😉 Meeting you is the closest I have been to heaven, at least for now!!

Time as it goes on, our time is limited, we don’t have time to waste it living someone else life, be trapped by dogma which is living with the result of other peoples thinking.  And never letting the noise of others opinion drowns out our own inner voice. And most important, the courage to follow our heart and intuition, they somehow already know what I truly want to become of us. Everything else is secondary. And I love you! 😉 🙂

(Jorhat, 23rd Saturday, 2013)

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