“I’m going through changes – Black Sabbath (Changes)”
He asked with the voice of a child. “Can you help me?” Tears streamed down his face.
How many lonely nights will he sit on this porch looking at the empty college volley court as the moonlight casts its eerie shadows? He wonders, could he possibly toss away his cares into this dark lonely night and have them vanish with its darkness? No, that would be too easy, and he knows this journey would be one of the most difficult journeys of his life.
Every night is one long lonely night..
2 a.m. – 3 a.m. – 4 a.m.
He is still here – The dying man lay alone, grief for his companion, a candle for his comfort, music of his fading spirit and alone. Loneliness gripped his heart and squeezed hard and long. He rubbed his chest to ease the pain. He didn’t know how to be like this, and wish he had a checklist or a map that would tell him what to do with the next step of his life. Now he has to stand on his own feet to learn and cope. With memories flashing back and forth in his mind he struggles hard to stay afloat.
I think one of the strangest places that this journey has taken me is this place of self-discovery. Discovery brought forth by the need to survive. This new place is definitely earned. I struggled to survive for so many months. I searched my being in a way to get through each minute and every single breath.
This kind of progress in grief does not happen easily. It takes lots of healing and grief work to get to milestones such as these in a person’s grief journey. For some, it happens sooner; others have a longer process to work through. As I grieve, I relearn the world of my experience, one filled with things, places, events, other people, and aspects of myself that painfully remind me of separation. I struggle to relearn how to be “at home” in this world again (soul work) and to reshape my daily life and stretch into new and unexpected chapters of my life stories.
I have started to come alive again and embrace life again, started to see life in a different way. I started to see things as beautiful or pretty or serene, started to see life and nature for what God intended it to be seen as: BEAUTIFUL.
I have so much to be thankful about for each and every day. I thank God every day for His grace, His mercy and His faithfulness. Even though, it has taken me months (August and September 2012) I am learning to take time in my day to stop and see the beauty around me and to seek out more of the beautiful things life has to offer me. To stop and thank God for all that He has created.
I got everything I need right here with me: air in my lungs, a few chips left for the month, friends, family, career and a few sheets of paper. I love waking up in the morning not knowing what’s going to happen or who I’m going to meet, where I’m going wind up. I figure life’s a give and I don’t intend on wasting it. You never know what hand you’re going to get dealt next. I learn to take life as it comes, to make each day count!
How about you?
(Jorhat 25th April, 2013)
(I’m not a victim of Stockholm Syndrome 😛 )