Hello, Hello, I’m at a place called Vertigo

Picture from: justvisitingthisplanetblog

Picture from: justvisitingthisplanetblog

Whether it be Bihu holiday (State holiday of Assam), Puja, Diwali holiday or holidays after exams, after finishing that last final exam for the year, a medical student is left to wonder about what to do now. See, usually after semester exams some medical students would go out, have a drink, party, but still have the next day’s busy schedule buried deep in their subconscious. However, that nagging feeling of responsibility is replaced after the final exam for each year (MB we called it in Med School) is over by this sudden exhilaration and happiness for two whole weeks of freedom that is, ironically, mixed with feelings of confusion as well. Why the confusion? Well, what do we do now that our time is not occupied with studying?!

Medical students refer to life before going to medical school as our ‘previous life’. During holidays, we’re forced to remember what we did in our spare time in our previous life. It can be a slow process and require baby steps for some cautious medical students that are still under the whiplash of break. In no time, we readjust our minds towards general relaxation mode, but sometimes we just can’t.

After two years of spending Christmas and New Year celebration away from home, I feel like my youthful life is passing me by (and I don’t want to have to go through this life a single day of it any more.) I miss home I feel an emptiness growing in my heart. I can’t readjust my mind into a relaxation mode even after the final exams for this year is over because as I feared this Christmas made my three years of not spending Christmas with my family and friends. I am stuck here again in Jorhat! Like we always said, life in a medical school has been like a never ending chore, our lives are planned out for the next 30 years or more already and sometimes I feel I have absolutely nothing to look forward to! I miss hanging out will all my friends during Christmas who seem stuck frozen in time.

Let me tell you even though I have always wanted to be a medical doctor, but believe it or not it sucks to be sucked by medical school, every day is like another day of BUD/S US Navy Seal training (The only easy day was yesterday). When the weather becomes crispy when it gets colder the more I miss home because it reminds me of home more than any other seasons. Here, I am far away from the reach of a Christmas celebrating civilization and it’s obvious and justified if I don’t miss the fever of Christmas celebration or miss home, but contrary to popular belief the more I know people around here don’t celebrate Christmas the more I miss home. I thought I already passed ‘I miss home’ part of my life, but maybe I was wrong! Very wrong!

I look at my computer.. Then phone.. Then computer.. Then phone, searching for something, though I’m not entirely sure what. Twitter, Facebook, YouTube, Facebook, Instagram, Fuck! I’m plugged in to everything and absolutely nothing at the same time. I feel my heart clawing up my throat like that one stubborn kid at the playground. He could just get off the damn slide, go to the side, and use the ladder like a decent human being. He could wait his turn in line, and go down the slide once again. But no way, he is going to make everyone wait as he attempts to wiggle his way back up, gliding back down each step he tries. That’s not how slides were built to work. And, my heart is not supposed to be thumping against my tonsils.

Listening to Christmas songs, reminiscing how I used to spend this holiday season with my family and friends. Christmas dinner at home and meeting up with friends over a cup of hot tea, peace, happy, laughing, wonderfully silly, joyful, going to Church, Christmas carols, singing in a choir and meeting with more friends.. I know my parents miss me and want me to be with them. I miss everything about home very much! I can imagine how my friends back home will enjoy this holiday season while I am here clutch to the neck by my studies and duties: No friends, no family, no fun. Just study, study, duty, duty, stress, stress and even more stress.

Ahhhh, Home! A place I see in my few good dreams. I am so ready to go home, but I must wait until it is my time. I still have to be me and I still have to go through this chore of a life. Sad, tired and alone!

I miss home – my dorm room just doesn’t cut it. Hello, Hello, I’m at a place called Vertigo!

Jorhat, 29th December, 2013

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